The past week has been extremely tiring for me. Other than Monday, I didn't manage to get down in doing my DJ for the rest of the days. Why? Because I simply felt too exhausted to do so. In a way, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, I felt soooo exhausted both physically and emotionally to the extent where I was asked to write my RJ on Wednesday, I wrote till I was in tears.

This was exactly what I submitted for this question 'What was the main struggle that you encountered in class today? What step(s) would you take to help you overcome it?' with a little edits here and there:

"I think the main struggle for today is the part on team work where situations really isn't better with the communication problem between me and (him) that hasn't been resolved since last week. I was struggling to get things through him especially before meeting 3 where both of us were so silent and nothing could be done to salvage it. At least, things became better when (someone) took charge otherwise I would not have known what to do. Although (the other group mates) asked me a couple of times on what questions I wanted to do, I figured that I should, instead, keep quiet to minimize the conflict level between me and (him). From what I heard, he wasn't really happy about the way I work which that itself, I couldn't do anything about it until he is willing to reconcile and start talking to me. I had time and time again wanted to sit down and talk to him but I didn't have the courage to do so, mainly because I thought that wasn't the right time for it yet since he looked so upset with me and refuses to open his mouth to even communicate with me properly. Well, till the end of the first study period, I was mainly trying to find solution to the worksheet question that I had chosen. At the start of the second meeting, (he) and (another team member) finished their part and what Sarah asked them to do was to find the answers to the questions that were posted during our class discussion in the first meeting. I was just doing my part. However, when (the rest of the team) started asking me questions on the basics of the chapter, I started explaining it to them whereby thereafter, I was working with (a team member) on the rest of the worksheet questions. At the end of meeting 2, we managed to finish most of the things without any conflict. At that point before we went for our break, we individually chose what we wanted to do. Since (one of our team member) does not have any Chemistry background and I was left with nothing to choose from (because all of them were so fast in choosing what they wanted), I paired up with her. I was quite thankful that I managed to pair up with her partly because she was the only one that could help me find out what (he) was doing. The main reason was that I had no chance of even talking to him, not even through MSN as he blocked me. I was very careful on not stepping into his path this time where I made a clear line on "things that he is explaining I shan't explain". Those were the exact words that I told (my partner) when we were working together. Another reason that made me thank the rest of the team was that they helped us through although they don't really know what was happening between both of us where I had to admit, I am not sure of it myself. All my conclusions or deductions came from what others told me. All I could say is that I really had to thank all of them for being so supportive, not of any one side, but that they managed to get thing going and done.

To answer to the second question, what steps would I take to help me overcome it. I guess really there is nothing much I could do. The only that I really hoped for is to sit down with (him) when he is ready to talk and to resolve this conflict as soon as possible because I may be the very cause of the conflict in his eyes but I really do not know what I have done that made him so upset with me. Seriously, I do not know what is the starting point of it and I am really confused at the turns of things between him and me. Not that I cared about him like a boyfriend or what but really, I can't work with someone who is clearly upset with me and is not willing to let me know what he is upset about. I am really lost at how he expects me to act and what he expects me to have done. Although I have to admit that doing things without his consent could make him upset but not to this stage where a "sorry" may not be enough. I really do not know how to get out of this struggle that I have. The only solution that I could think of is to wait. Wait until he is willing to speak up and when he is ready to sit down and talk to me properly. Otherwise, with this hot-headed state that he is in and with my personality, before we start to get to the point, we would definitely start quarreling and nothing it would all go to nothing. All I could say is that I am really tired and confused at the turn of events where I know there are a lot of other things that I have to focus on. I am still WAITING for the time that he wants to resolve this problem. If we do not resolve it, I am sure that no matter what happens, we would definitely be confronted with it again and we would definitely be in the exact same state and there would really be no way out. "

Really, I know it has been an extremely long RJ, I didn't know what to write for that question other than that that came to my mind the moment I saw that question. Some of my friends even suggested that I confront him. I really don't know what I should do. For the rest of the week, we were having cold war towards each other and things hasn't been better.

Yesterday, I just installed internet at home. At the end of the Youth Service in church, I talked to my spider about what I should do. I told her the whole story once again and I told her that I have been emotionally and physically exhausted. She asked me to think of the the things that I could control and what I couldn't and suggested that maybe I was trying to control the things that I can't, that's why I felt so exhausted. I have been trying to find out what I could control. Really, the obvious one is my reaction. Both how I react to him and how I react when I fell agitated when someone else said something that is sensitive to both of us. All I could do now is to trust God to give me the wisdom and to soften his heart to be willing to speak to me. Also, I have to place this whole matter into God's hand and allow him to show me the way that I should respond, what I should do and the best time to do what I should do.

Labels: School, WEB, Week

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